Thank you so much for visiting this website and page! This really shows that you care and that you want to help. Many times I have heard a family member or friend of someone who has lost their baby say, "I don't know what to say or do but I want them to know I care". Below, I hope you find some helpful information based on what others hurting from infant loss have expressed. Now, I do not want you to take this list as rules because that will be overbearing and it may cause you to be too scared to say or do anything. Mistakes said and done will happen and that is all a part of it. The loss parents at Hezekiah's Ministry are equipped on how to properly handle things said or done that hurt them. So, take the information below as a guide, but not a rule. Showing you love them is the greatest thing you can do!
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Some hurting parents don't know how to communicate their needs and others are great at it.
Yes, you want to help, and very likely they could use some help. Some people will tell you exactly what they need or want and that's great to be able to give that to them. Others have a hard time sharing their needs or wants and will seem to stubbornly say "it's okay." Something that helps in breaking that barrier is to be direct in what you are offering to do and asking if it is okay if you do so. Saying "let me know if there is anything I can do, " or "What can I do" only adds to their overwhelm and gives them another task. They don't likely know what they need themselves. So instead say, "I would like to bring you coffee/do your laundry/bring you a meal/watch your other children/etc. Is that okay?" They are much more likely to receive help and support this way.
They may have a hard time enjoying things.
They may feel guilt for enjoying things. That may even be eating at a restaurant or attending a party. Their line of thinking is something like, "Why should I enjoy anything if my baby cannot?" This shouldn't last forever, but it is a part of their grief that may come and go over the years. If they ask you if it is okay to enjoy, you can gently reassure them that it is. Always allow the griever to lead and respect the decisions they make even if they are not ones that you had hoped. Give them their time to feel okay doing anything enjoyable again. If it lasts a long time (past 6 months), it may be good for them to speak with a counselor.
They don't NEED encouragement or answers.
They just need you to love them. Infant loss sucks and there is NO upside or positive spin. Accept the loss, accept that it hurts, and love them. If they ask you questions and are genuinely looking for an answer from you is one thing, but for the most part, they just need you to love them and not try to make a positive spin on the death of their child.
Grief is unique to each person.
You can't put an expectation exactly on how grief will look or how it should look with a person other than the fact that after losing a baby they will grieve. Some shut down, some lash out, and some a mix of both. Some appear to be doing well and some may not. The heaviness of loss may hit them right away, randomly, or later on. Some want a distraction and others want to talk about it. This is all okay. Everyone is different and their grief is different. After infant loss, we can expect grief, but we can't expect how it will look.
Expect personal hygiene, eating, and home care to become a struggle.
It is hard for them to enjoy life because their baby can't. Likewise with grief being at the forefront of life, it is easy for them to forget to take care of themselves including basic hygiene, eating, and doing basic things around the house like doing dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. You can help them by sending them paper goods, food gift cards, and offering to do some specific responsibilities for them.
They need you to be patient.
Try not to be offended if someone who lost a baby becomes distant, says, or does something offensive to you. This is also normal. They are feeling a lot of emotions and sometimes it can come off as rude.
They may lash out at you or be rude.
Know that even though it sounds and feels like they are upset with you, most likely it is their situation, unless you said something very insensitive. They have had their feelings destroyed so there may be a time period where they do not care about someone else's feelings. If you can give them patience, love, and time, they will be grateful for you sticking with them through the hard times.
They don't want you to forget.
One of the hard parts of grief comes later. They really want you to show that you still care months and years later, even if that is just you letting them know you care about them. They want you to remember their baby(ies).
They won't be the same.
This is a traumatic loss. Change should be expected. They will not be able to go back to who they were before. Their grief will be there forever, but they will learn to build their life around their grief.
They will experience new difficulties.
Maybe it will be jealousy over someone else's life. Maybe it will be avoiding babies or avoiding pregnant people. Holidays and big life events will forever have the sting of the loss of their baby who should be present. They will encounter so many triggers and for every person, it will be different.
You are not going to make them sad.
They are already sad, so bringing up their baby isn't going to make them sad, but will only reveal how they already feel. If anything, they will be grateful to be able to express it. You won't cause them to remember their baby or loss because they won't ever forget. Their baby is always on their mind. It is comforting if you remember too.
They may isolate for a while.
Like previously stated, it is hard for them to enjoy. It can also be hard for them to watch other people enjoy. They may feel jealousy or anger at the world moving on as theirs is flipped upside down. If someone is pregnant or has an infant, you should definitely expect to see them isolate. Many get off of social media, stop texting, and seem to go dark. It's good to check in on them, especially as time goes on. Don't expect a response, but continue to reach out and show them you care. Even if they don’t respond, they will recognize those who continually reach out to let them know they are thinking of them and their baby(ies). Hezekiah's Ministry recommends that you do not try to rush them "back to normal." They will be forever changed. Simply show that you care and reach out to them periodically. Try not to get upset at their absence. Grief like this can take years to come out of any isolation and they may even revisit isolation months or years after they seemingly come back.With your patient love, you can help them.
WHAT THOSE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCED INFANT LOSS SAY THAT HELPED:
"Knowing that Jesus wept. That there is a time that He allots for us to grieve. I don't know, it just helped me a lot."
"Jesus, my husband, and my other children. And knowing that we will all be together again."
"All the support we received."
"Journaling all my thoughts or writing to my baby."
"Praying."
"Spending time alone thinking about my baby."
"Talking to someone trustworthy."
"Crying, lots of crying."
"Helping others."
"Listening to worship music and just crying out to God."
"Planting and tending a garden in their honor."
"At holidays and birthdays, donating gifts to children in the hospital that I would have bought for my baby."
VERSES THAT HELP:
Psalm 91
Ecclesiastes 3:4
Lamentations 3:20-26
Psalm 77
WHAT TO SAY
DO SAY
"Grieve as long as you need."
Grief cannot be rushed. Sometimes there is a temptation for the hurting parent to rush it or sometimes they are pressured into speeding up grief. If you speed up grief, it will come back later demanding attention and often it is hurtful or harmful.
The baby's(ies') name(s).
As often as you can and especially during holidays and at big events, say and include their baby(ies)’ name(s) Some specific ideas could be giving them a father’s day or mother’s day card even when their child(ren) is in Heaven and they have no living children, including their Heavenly baby(ies) name(s) along with their living children’s names on a Christmas card or gift, including their baby in the grandkid count, hanging up a picture of their baby if they are okay and comfortable with that, or simply just mentioning their baby in daily conversation. It is important and nice for the hurting parent to know that their baby(ies) in Heaven will not be forgotten.
“What dates can I put in my calendar for you?”
It can be a lot to try and remember on your own, so ask them for any special dates, like the date their baby was born, due, when they found out they were pregnant, or anything like that. Put it in your calendar for every year and text them when those dates come that you are thinking of them and their baby. This will mean so much to them, especially in the years to come.
Questions.
Ask them if they like when you talk about their baby(ies). Ask them if they don't want to talk about their grief. Questions help you best support that unique individual and their unique grief.
Nothing at all.
The easiest and one of the most impactful things you can do is to say nothing at all and simply be present with them. Just sitting there, crying with them, listening to them, and hugging them. This communicates you care. Even though you don't know what to say, you agree with them that this is awful and that you love them. Of course, don't be dramatic and do this to try to get an emotional reaction out of the parents. If you sense that they don't need encouragement, this is amazing to do.
"You will always be your baby's(ies') parent and he/she will always be your child(ren)."
Loss of a child/children feels like a loss of parenthood. It is a robbery that is so evil! This reminder connects them to their baby(ies) and gives them hope of a later day being united with their baby(ies). The moment a baby is conceived, is the moment two people become a mom and dad. Not even death can take that away. Their baby(ies) lived, even if for a short time, and their baby tragically died. They will always be parents and their baby(ies) will always be their baby(ies).
"You are the best parent for ____."
Whether they are a parent to a child(ren) on earth, in Heaven, or a mix of both, God chose them to be the parent of that child(ren). It is a joyous thing to be reminded of how they are a parent to even the one(s) they lost.
"Is it okay if I talk about your baby(ies)?"
Sometimes families are private and other times they don't want their baby(ies) ever forgotten. It is okay to ask and it shows that you care.
"I am praying for you."
Please only say this if you are genuine and are truly going to pray for them. They can sense when it is said truthfully opposed to when someone is just saying it.
"Do you need time to be alone?"
This is a very kind way to respect their needs. Everyone is different. Some people can really use their moments alone and for others being alone is not good. Asking them helps you understand their needs as well as showing them that you care and want to best support them.
DO NOT SAY
"You will feel better after you have another baby."
One baby never replaces another baby. It's like saying after losing a grandma, "Get another grandma" or "Once your grandpa remarries, you'll forget about the grandma you lost." Loss is loss. It feels like they are missing someone because they are. Another baby won't give their missing baby(ies) back.
"It's not as bad as _____'s kind of loss."
This is an attempt to minimize their pain and it implies that their loss isn't a big deal and that they are overreacting and that their grief is not valid. Each loss is a loss. They all suck. No positive spin or comparison gives back who they lost. A better thing to say is "You will always be a parent for your baby(ies)." Let them know their pain and emotions are valid and this is completely awful.
"At least you have other kids."
They know they have other kids and they love them, but that does not lessen the pain of losing one or more. Having kids on earth doesn't replace the baby(ies) they don't have. It doesn’t make their loss any easier.
"Don't be sad."
Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn. Losing a baby 100% is a time to mourn. The length of this time varies, and should be respected. Don't speak for their baby(ies) and tell them their baby(ies) wouldn't want them to be sad. You cannot speak for their baby(ies). This puts a thought in their mind that they are displeasing their baby(ies) who they are trying their hardest to honor or that you know their baby(ies) better than they do.
"Everything happens for a reason."
While this is a true statement, it passes the blame of loss more on God than on sin. Sin is at blame for loss. God will later make all things good. This statement often does more harm than good because it can cause anger against God and cause the hurt parent to build an emotional barrier against you to protect themselves. Evil is the reason their baby(ies) died. There is no silver lining.
"God doesn't want you to feel or think like that."
With such strong emotions and thoughts, it can be easy to critique the griever. It is important to know that if they are feeling and thinking strong things, they don't need a theological lecture or comment. They need God's love. Unless they ask you a theological question, don't dismiss their feelings.
"At least you weren't that far along."
This comment does not bring any comfort at all. This shows them that you don't agree with them on how awful it is. Unless you have lost a child yourself, you won't understand just how heart breaking and gut wrenching it is. This will make them feel alone and angry in their pain of loss.
"You were too young to be a parent anyways / or you weren't ready to parent another."
Adding insult to injury is not the best word of comfort. This comment does not bring any comfort at all. This shows them that you don't agree with them on how awful it is. This implies it is their fault they lost their baby(ies) or that they deserved to lose them. This is entirely untrue and so cruel to say.
"I don't know why it hurt you since your baby(ies) was/were never alive."
At around 6 weeks, there is a fully formed heart that won't stop beating until death. They experienced the life of their baby(ies) for a time. This shows them that you don't agree with them on what they think or feel. Their baby(ies) lived and their baby(ies) died and it will forever be heartbreaking.
"Maybe this is a blessing in disguise."
Take me as an example. Hezekiah's Ministry is a blessing that came from the loss of our son, however if I could choose, I would choose Hezekiah over Hezekiah's Ministry any day. Nothing and no blessing can change that. Know this though, God can take loss and make something beautiful, but that loss will never be a blessing ever.
Anything about your pregnancy symptoms or talk about your infant.
This easily causes the hurting parent to have jealousy, anger, and sadness. Typically a hurting parent isolates from these people because even seeing it hurts. This is a part of Hezekiah's ministry we want to help parents be able to work through. They are not angry at the pregnant person or the infant, they are simply angry that their baby is dead. Unless the griever asks about your pregnancy or new baby, don’t talk about these things around them.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Support us.
Together we can help these hurting families manage through life! Helping us allows us to help them and their loved ones!
Connect them to us.
We can help in many ways! Biblical counsel is one of the most important, but we can also do memorial services, provide practical advice, do hospital visits, give helpful resources, and get them connected to amazing ministries and organizations!
Connect them to a church.
A church may provide Biblical counsel, resources, books, healing ministries, meal ministries, and more that can really prove to be an amazing resource while also pointing them to the love of God.
Meal Trains.
Especially in the days and weeks after loss, you can forget to eat. There is so much on your mind and heart, you just run out of time to think about food or eating. All their energy is drained by grief. You can help them by setting up a meal train either through a church or mealtrain.org, which allows you to organize a meal train between friends and family.
Buy them paper goods, easy meals, and anything to make basic life better.
Basic life maintenance is not only hard, but seems unimportant during the earliest stages of grief. Paper plates, forks, easy microwavable meals, toys to help keep living children busy, etc. can really help them do life simply.
Cover the unwanted costs.
What has happened to a family that has lost their baby(ies) is evil. Having to pay for it is adding gas to the fire. If you are able, help pay the costs for burial/cremation, memorial service, and things they will need or want for the service. Maybe you can even set up a GoFundMe to help raise funds to cover some or all of it.
Include lost baby(ies) in conversations, holidays, and events.
It is totally okay to ask how they feel about the ideas you have. Including their baby in each thing can be very special and meaningful to most families. Whether that's in cards, Christmas stockings, or in conversation. Some more ideas could be giving them a father’s day or mother’s day card even when their child(ren) is in Heaven and they have no living children, including their Heavenly baby(ies) name(s) along with their living children’s names on a Christmas card or gift, including their baby in the grandkid count, hanging up a picture of their baby if they are okay and comfortable with that, or simply just mentioning their baby in daily conversation. It is important and nice for the hurting parent to know that their baby(ies) in Heaven will not be forgotten.
Visit them.
Definitely be careful here. You do not want to intrude in their time of grief. Know the boundaries of your relationship with them. If you're a close friend or family member stopping by just to hug them or bring them a coffee for a few minutes, this is a very sweet gesture. Maybe you stop by and they don't answer. Respect it and leave. Don't wait at the door for a long time since it may not be a good time. Just text them that you stopped by to hug them or bring them a coffee or whatever it was and head out.
Gift ideas.
Getting them something really says a lot that you care. A journal can really help them write out their thoughts and emotions. Flowers are always nice (we recommend Marigold flowers because they are a flower of loss). Restaurant gift cards are a practical way to show you care. Going on Etsy.com, you can find many personalized gifts. We recommend searching "child loss" on the website of Etsy (one of our favorites are the "to think the first thing you saw when you opened your little eyes was the face of Jesus" personalized gifts).
Send them to a hotel.
One of the best things for me and my wife was after a few days being back from the hospital to leave our home again and just process through the pain, recoup, and leave responsibilities aside for a moment. If you can, offering this can do great things for a hurting family. Make sure the hotel is nice so that they don't have to deal with any issues. I also recommend asking if they want kids with them or if they plan to get a babysitter. My wife and I left the kids at home with some family so we could recoup and go through grief together. Obviously only do this if they want to go.
Plant a tree or flowers in their baby(ies') honor.
This is a very sweet idea! It is very touching and so cool when they send you pictures of the tree or you go to the house and see the flowers in full bloom! Our friends and family received Marigold seeds at our son's service and many planted them. Later in the year, I started hearing of the seeds blooming at people’s homes and then I got to see them at friend's and family's homes. Even one lady painted a picture of the marigolds at her house for us! What is special to me about this is it shows the impact my son made on their lives and that they haven't forgotten him!
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